1. Kate Garraway wants me to crack on straight away, if not ten years ago. (And it is her business.)
2. I can’t have a baby right now. I’m not well enough, I don’t have any money, I’m technically homeless. And (minor detail) I don’t know anybody who could be the baby’s father.
3. I always said I didn’t want to have children. When I was 11, people just laughed. When I was 21, they told me I’d change my mind.
4. In my late twenties, I went from “Hell no” to “I don’t know” and seem to be stuck there. Sometimes having a child sounds like the most scary, boring, horrifying thing I could ever imagine. Sometimes it sounds… life-affirming and stuff.
5. OK, fine. I might have teared up at every stupid Evian babies ad I’ve ever seen. But I still think kittens are cuter.
6. In less than a year, my fertility will be jumping off a cliff, and it’s unlikely that I’ll have my life together by then. I resent that this is a choice I might not even get the chance to make, thanks to biology and my stupid body.
7. If you’re not on the pill, do your eggs get used up more quickly?
8. Me. With a child. Me. Being a grown-up. Nope, doesn’t compute.
9. I guess if I did have a kid, I’d have to learn to get up before 7 AM. Before 6? (!)
10. When I was at university, my friend Jill was the only other person I knew who was adamant they didn’t want kids. Now she has two.
11. How do people just progress through life, buying houses, getting married, and having babies without feeling so tied down they need to breathe into a paper bag?
12. Play groups, kids’ parties, soft play, swimming lessons… all sound utterly stultifying.
13. The saying “The days are long but the years are short” makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.
14. I bloody hate cartoons.
15. How does any parent cope with homework? And ironing uniforms, and making packed lunches, and planning and cooking nutritional meals for more than one person on a daily basis?
16. I wonder if ultimately it’s a choice between drudgery and loneliness.
17. Holidays and weekends would be hard work for at least a decade.
18. I’d have to spend many years being thought of as an embarrassment.
19. How the hell do you give a sex talk?
20. I mostly imagine myself as a single parent, probably because my mum was one. I don’t know how she did it.
21. The phrase “You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have children” should be banned.
22. It’s riskier to have a baby the older you get. And I’m too much of a wimp for an amniocentesis.
23. I don’t want to have a disabled baby, which is hypocritical and shallow and selfish of me.
24. Miscarriage, stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
25. Bullies, kidnappers, rapists, murderers, terrorists.
26. How does anyone let their child out of their sight for even one second?
27. Nora Ephron said you’d been a good parent if your kids grew up to be able to afford their own therapy. Which is simplistic, but comforting. And means my parents have failed.
28. What if I have another dud? It’s in the genes. As is anxiety, depression, acne, arthritis, and being short… this imaginary kid’s in for a rough ride.
29. The parents I follow on social media are always so excited when their kids are in bed or they have the house to themselves.
30. If you’re not certain, it’s probably best not to bother, right?
31. A friend once told me that it’s better to go for it if you’re on the fence, because most people don’t want to give their children back.
32. I bet a lot of people wouldn’t have children if they could do their lives over, it’s just not socially acceptable/nice to admit it.
33. We Need To Talk About Kevin.
34. The Menendez brothers.
35. Motherboy.
36. When I hear a star I (deludedly) identify with is pregnant, I’m happy for her, but I always feel a little disappointed.
37. I would not cope well with the indignities of pregnancy.
38. Episiotomies. Also, tearing. Stitches. Scarring.
39. Why can’t women be knocked out for the birth? It only seems fair.
40. I don’t want to breastfeed. I KNOW.
41. I’d be good at the sleepless nights, exhaustion, and never leaving the house, though. That’s basically my life now.
42. Saliva makes me feel sick.
43. Catherine Newman’s New York Times piece about her kids’ adventures in vomiting. [No one will click on this, will they?]
44. I’m terrified that having a kid would be all-consuming, and take away all of my ambition. Or that it wouldn’t, and I’d resent my baby for the things I’d have to miss out on.
45. What if I don’t have kids and regret it forever? What if I do, and ditto?
46. In a long, long time, when my parents have died, I might really be alone in the world.
47. I wish I had siblings (and that they’d have kids).
48. I don’t want to be a stepmother. You’re always second best (rightly so), and I’m too insecure for that.
49. If I could be a (stereotypical, old-fashioned, hands-off) dad, that would be great.
50. I feel like I could only cope with one.
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Afterwords:: (Related reading, recommended freely.) No Kidding: Women Writers and Comedians on the Choice Not to Have Children — quotes from Gloria Steinem, Margaret Cho, and Jennifer Coolidge on having a good life without the little tykes.